Lost

Alice once said, “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” 

She had it right.   We’re all different people day to day.   Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some people who stagnate.   

I’m starting to wonder and become afraid that what if I’m one of those people?   I’m not who I use to be.  That is very true.  Every day I try to be better than I was the day before.  But it seems like I never succeed.   I’m lost.   My compass is spinning and will not point to the right path that will lead me to who I am to become.  

I haven’t felt this lost in a long time.  I use to know exactly who I was, who I wanted to become.  Now, I’m lost and afraid.   I see things creeping into my mind from the shadows that I thought were long gone.   I am fighting my demons every day, but I am losing ground.  My sword is too heavy.

I need help.  I’m afraid.  I’m so afraid.  Please help me.  I am crying out to God to help me carry my sword.

Please.  I don’t want to be lost.   

Falling

I can feel my grip slowly loosening.

No matter how tightly I try to hold on,

My grip continues to slip.

I can see them staring down at me

Wondering when I’ll finally fall.

I can hear them whispering

“Pathetic.”

“Weak”

“I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

Each word strikes my heart like an arrow.

It makes my grip loosen more.

I take their every hit.

I take in their every word.

It hurt so much.

There is darkness beneath me.

I can hear screaming, crying

Blood is running down my arms

The edge cutting into my fingers

It hurts. 

It’s getting really slick

Hard to hold on.

No one will catch me. 

My fingers are starting to slip

I can’t hold on.

I’m going to fall.

No one will catch me.

No one will save me.