Beyond

 I am beyond tired of my life.   Years and years of serving and grinding for my family til I feel like there is nothing left of me.   I gave and gave and tried and tried.   I can’t anymore.  I’ve  myself all to make everyone else happy.  Every day there’s the mental list of do’s and dont’s.   The pressure of keeping the peace and walking on eggshells.   It is a fucking chore.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay.  I don’t want this life.   This is not what I pictured life would be like.   I didn’t want this for my kids.   I am so unhappy.  I want to be happy.  I want a break.  I don’t want to work 2 jobs or 7 days a week to get by.   I hate my life right now.   I’m really really struggling.  I feel like I’m drowning.  But I stany afloat for my kids.  They are my reason for being, my reason to get up and tne morning.  They keep me sane and on this earth.   They are my strength.   I just wish I was better for them.  I am single mother/parent even though I am married.   I wish he cared but he doesn’t.  It’s all blamed on me.   Maybe the wrongs I did him made me deserve this.  But enough is enough.  My penance is done.   

I have to be okay for my kids.  They need me.  I need them 

My Heaven

 I lie awake at night

I watch him sleep

Pondering what dreams he is dreaming 

And are they dreams of me

I reach over and touch him

Tracing the ink on his arms

Wondering if he feels me do so

Sometimes I touch his face

Feeling how soft his skin is

I lay awake at night 

And wonder how

How could he have chosen me

Out of all the people in this world 

I lay awake at night

Watching him as he sleeps

Wondering if he knows 

Just how much I love him 

Not Enough

You really hurt my feelings tonight 

Made me feel like I wasn’t smart enough 

AND

Always letting you down.

I know I’m not good enough.

I never have been for anyone.

Everyone always pointing out flaws.

Everyone always saying where and how I fall short.

It seems like there’s more negative than positive about me.

Ergo, the obvious, 

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I will always fall short.

I AM NOT WORTH LOVING

I am just a toy, a hole

I AM NOTHING.

I pray sleep comes to me.

A moment of peace where I do not think or feel.

For I am hurting,

BUT

I know it’ll always pale in comparison.

My armor is heavy and cracked.

My body aches.

My soul cries.

My heart breaks.

I think I’ll sit on the shelf Amongst other toys and things.

I shall rest awhile

AND

See what tomorrow brings. 

Confessions

A woman’s heart holds many secrets or so I’m told.  Mine does.  I’ve kept way too many over my lifetime and some days I find myself saying them aloud when I’m alone.  I don’t know if I do it to relieve some of the weight upon my heart.  Some of them are small and meaningless.   Some of them are big and heavy and could probably devastate if they were revealed.  But what if they were revealed vaguely so no one knew who the confession was referring to exactly?  Would that make the big ones less devastating?  Or would they make it twice as worse because you’re left wondering who was it directed towards?  So, do the secrets stay hidden in my heart til I carry them to the grave…or…do I reveal them vaguely so no one knows exactly who it’s about.  I guess it’s just something to ponder.   Just random thoughts running thru my head.

Beaten

Standing in the middle

Who will get me first?

I can’t anticipate this one.

I can’t defend myself anymore.

My armor is shattered

Gone

I am exposed

One hit

And I’m down

Another hit

I fall back

I lay there as taking their blows

I can’t see

I can’t breathe 

My ears are ringing

I am bleeding

Crying

Pleading for mercy

It’s quiet now

But for how long?

Round 2 will be coming soon

At a Loss

*Language and Trigger warning*

I stand there with a shovel looking down at the dirt

“Start digging!”

He pushes me forward

I start digging

I hear them talking

Laughing at me

I keep digging 

The sweat starts to form on my brow

It’s hot

I stop for a moment

“I said dig, bitch”

One of them kicks the back of my knee

I drop the shovel

I fall to my knees

My hands catch me

“Get up!”

I push myself back up

Grab the shovel

Keep digging

Don’t make them mad.

“Turn around”

I turn to face them

Shovel in hand 

Ready to defend myself

It’s too easy 

The shovel ripped away from me

One of them rips part of my dress away

Bare feet in the soil

I cover myself

“Pathetic.”

“Worthless.”

“You are nothing.”

One of them shoves me

I land on my back

Knocking the wind out of me

I lay there staring up at them

They’re laughing at me

I struggle to sit up

I can’t climb out 

I lie back down 

This is where I’m left 

This is where I’ll stay 

Slipping

I’m numb

So numb that my vision blurs

I can’t cry

But tears are streaming down my face

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

All the past abuse has me so damaged

I keep messing up in my relationship

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I see the pain I cause

No matter what I do

I can’t seem to fix it

I’m a coward 

I’m worthless

Not worth the space I take up

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m not worth being with

I’m not deserving of love

I hate myself

I hate what I am

I try to change 

But

Seems as if I’m ever failing

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m slipping

Losing my grip

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin