Noone Tells You

On April 4, 2024, I had a full hysterectomy.  I was given estrogen so I wouldn't go straight into full blown menopause.  I'd still be in perimenopause.  Here it is 2026, I am in full blown menopause.  

People know about the hot flashes, night sweats, moodiness and maybe broken sleep.  Let me tell you what most don't know unless they've gone thru it or know someone who is going thru it.  Brain fog...forgetting why you went in a room or forgot to do something.  Hot flashes that make your whole body a furnace where you can't control the temperature.  Moodiness?  The menopausal rage over the slightest inconvenience or annoyance.  Overstimulation comes very easily and out of nowhere.  Heart palpitations that make you think you're going to die.  The anxiety and panic attacks that come out of nowhere.  The paranoia at times.

Looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself.  Seeing someone you don't know and can't stand the sight of.  With that planted in your head, you start to wonder if that's why your spouse/partner/whomever doesn't really touch you even affectionately without you initiating or something being said or begging.  Then it makes you question how genuine it is when they do it.  Is it real or are they doing it so you'll stop being a pain?  

It's all these changes that turn you into something you don't understand or recognize.  I guess one good thing besides the obvious of no periods, you kind of wake up.  You see all that you tolerated, gave up, missed out on.  It makes you sad and angry at the same time.  Then it becomes "This is my healing.  This my era of being the woman I was/am supposed to be," and you also become unapologetic for starting to be "selfish" and do things for you and be happy in your own ways and not by someone else's standard.

So there is the pros and cons to it.  It is a journey but there will be a light at the end of that tunnel.  God, I pray it is a happy one for me.  Because right now I am struggling with it all and finding myself.

Rise from the Ashes

 Defeated

Down to my knees I go

I am cast into flames

They lick at my flesh 

Clothes burn away

But me,

No, I do not burn.

I rise up from the flames.

Shining brighter than before

Standing tall

Not bending nor breaking

Never back down

I am a warrior.

I will always rise up.

Go ahead 

Hit me hard

I’m all in

I’ll show you what I’m made of

I’m made for this

I will never back down

Lonely

 I feel…I am lonely

Even next to you, 

You are far away.

Something is different.

I feel it when you touch me…When you don’t touch me.

You don’t kiss me the way you use to, the way we use to.

You pull                AWAY

Or hasten it so it’s done.

I feel so rejected, so vile, so alone.

I cry when I’m completely by myself.

I stare in the mirror

Looking myself over inch by inch

Finding every imperfection

Making myself sick

Cursing myself for it all

But I dare not say anything

I stay silent

I push my needs, my desire, my want

They are all pushed down into the depths

Shadows swallow them whole

So there I sit

Being loving

Being understanding

Being patient 

Smiling through it all

Hating myself for feeling the way I do 

Every touch

Teasing or tame

Makes me ache

I am lonely

But here I remain

Tragedy

 Today is a tragic day.   A fire started in Kiara’s room.   We lost Yoda, Mamas, Peekaboo, Giggles, Fatty and Kaiya.   We can’t find Star.   Socks, Raven and Sneezles are safe.   Kiara and I had to go to the hospital for smoke inhalation.   Mine was more severe than her’s.   I am thankful that my mom came when I called and that she took us in.   It is sadness all around.   I blame myself for not being able to put the fire out or save any of my other babies.  I hope they forgive me for it.   

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT2hXsvrb/ 

Beyond

 I am beyond tired of my life.   Years and years of serving and grinding for my family til I feel like there is nothing left of me.   I gave and gave and tried and tried.   I can’t anymore.  I’ve  myself all to make everyone else happy.  Every day there’s the mental list of do’s and dont’s.   The pressure of keeping the peace and walking on eggshells.   It is a fucking chore.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay.  I don’t want this life.   This is not what I pictured life would be like.   I didn’t want this for my kids.   I am so unhappy.  I want to be happy.  I want a break.  I don’t want to work 2 jobs or 7 days a week to get by.   I hate my life right now.   I’m really really struggling.  I feel like I’m drowning.  But I stany afloat for my kids.  They are my reason for being, my reason to get up and tne morning.  They keep me sane and on this earth.   They are my strength.   I just wish I was better for them.  I am single mother/parent even though I am married.   I wish he cared but he doesn’t.  It’s all blamed on me.   Maybe the wrongs I did him made me deserve this.  But enough is enough.  My penance is done.   

I have to be okay for my kids.  They need me.  I need them 

My Heaven

 I lie awake at night

I watch him sleep

Pondering what dreams he is dreaming 

And are they dreams of me

I reach over and touch him

Tracing the ink on his arms

Wondering if he feels me do so

Sometimes I touch his face

Feeling how soft his skin is

I lay awake at night 

And wonder how

How could he have chosen me

Out of all the people in this world 

I lay awake at night

Watching him as he sleeps

Wondering if he knows 

Just how much I love him 

Not Enough

You really hurt my feelings tonight 

Made me feel like I wasn’t smart enough 

AND

Always letting you down.

I know I’m not good enough.

I never have been for anyone.

Everyone always pointing out flaws.

Everyone always saying where and how I fall short.

It seems like there’s more negative than positive about me.

Ergo, the obvious, 

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I will always fall short.

I AM NOT WORTH LOVING

I am just a toy, a hole

I AM NOTHING.

I pray sleep comes to me.

A moment of peace where I do not think or feel.

For I am hurting,

BUT

I know it’ll always pale in comparison.

My armor is heavy and cracked.

My body aches.

My soul cries.

My heart breaks.

I think I’ll sit on the shelf Amongst other toys and things.

I shall rest awhile

AND

See what tomorrow brings.