Beyond

 I am beyond tired of my life.   Years and years of serving and grinding for my family til I feel like there is nothing left of me.   I gave and gave and tried and tried.   I can’t anymore.  I’ve  myself all to make everyone else happy.  Every day there’s the mental list of do’s and dont’s.   The pressure of keeping the peace and walking on eggshells.   It is a fucking chore.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay.  I don’t want this life.   This is not what I pictured life would be like.   I didn’t want this for my kids.   I am so unhappy.  I want to be happy.  I want a break.  I don’t want to work 2 jobs or 7 days a week to get by.   I hate my life right now.   I’m really really struggling.  I feel like I’m drowning.  But I stany afloat for my kids.  They are my reason for being, my reason to get up and tne morning.  They keep me sane and on this earth.   They are my strength.   I just wish I was better for them.  I am single mother/parent even though I am married.   I wish he cared but he doesn’t.  It’s all blamed on me.   Maybe the wrongs I did him made me deserve this.  But enough is enough.  My penance is done.   

I have to be okay for my kids.  They need me.  I need them 

My Heaven

 I lie awake at night

I watch him sleep

Pondering what dreams he is dreaming 

And are they dreams of me

I reach over and touch him

Tracing the ink on his arms

Wondering if he feels me do so

Sometimes I touch his face

Feeling how soft his skin is

I lay awake at night 

And wonder how

How could he have chosen me

Out of all the people in this world 

I lay awake at night

Watching him as he sleeps

Wondering if he knows 

Just how much I love him