Lonely

 I feel…I am lonely

Even next to you, 

You are far away.

Something is different.

I feel it when you touch me…When you don’t touch me.

You don’t kiss me the way you use to, the way we use to.

You pull                AWAY

Or hasten it so it’s done.

I feel so rejected, so vile, so alone.

I cry when I’m completely by myself.

I stare in the mirror

Looking myself over inch by inch

Finding every imperfection

Making myself sick

Cursing myself for it all

But I dare not say anything

I stay silent

I push my needs, my desire, my want

They are all pushed down into the depths

Shadows swallow them whole

So there I sit

Being loving

Being understanding

Being patient 

Smiling through it all

Hating myself for feeling the way I do 

Every touch

Teasing or tame

Makes me ache

I am lonely

But here I remain

Tragedy

 Today is a tragic day.   A fire started in Kiara’s room.   We lost Yoda, Mamas, Peekaboo, Giggles, Fatty and Kaiya.   We can’t find Star.   Socks, Raven and Sneezles are safe.   Kiara and I had to go to the hospital for smoke inhalation.   Mine was more severe than her’s.   I am thankful that my mom came when I called and that she took us in.   It is sadness all around.   I blame myself for not being able to put the fire out or save any of my other babies.  I hope they forgive me for it.   

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