Invisible

You say you see me

BUT

You don’t!

You see what you want to see in me.

The dread I feel when I wake up

Wanting to cry when the alarm goes off

The strength it takes for me to get out of bed 

Having to put on the heavy dented armor before starting my day

Taking deep breaths and bracing myself 

Anticipating, wondering

Wishing for one morning off and being allowed to rest

Knowing things will get done 

And it not rest solely on my shoulders 

I am not Atlas yet

I do as he does

I soldier on

Every day is routine

MUNDANE

I’m tired

I’m bored

I’m depressed

Faking the smile at work

Sometimes at home

Sometimes just anywhere

Hating myself because I can’t make it real

Crying in the car or bathroom

Your words tear thru me 

Wound me down to my soul

Make me hate myself so much more 

Make me cry

Sometimes makes me want to die

I fight back 

To protect myself

Wanting you hear my side

You don’t hear me

You don’t see me

It’s always me

Always apologizing

Always trying

Always being told nothing I do is right

Can’t give the right replies

Can’t touch you the right way

Never making an effort but I do

I walk away

Broken

Defeated

Hating me

Hating you

Hating myself for hating you

I take off my armor 

Only for a moment

I stare into the mirror

I don’t know whose staring back at me

I don’t know her

She’s ugly

Bruised 

Bleeding

Demeaning words written all over her skin 

She’s crying

There’s someone else there standing behind her

Making more words appear

Making her cry more

Carving into her

I can’t save her

No one can

The armor goes back on

Covering up the evidence

It’s time for round 2

Brace yourself

Here it goes 

Bedtime comes

Sleep is right there 

I am so tired

Even as I sleep, 

Nightmares and never fully resting

I am so tired 

My pain is invisible

Don’t say you see me

You don’t! 

If you did, 

You’d see how hard every day is 

You’d see how much I struggle 

You’d see that I am trying

You’d decide to give me a break

A day off to rest 

I can suggest it

You’ll laugh at me

Tell me how selfish I’m being

My needs aren’t important

It’s better to hold my tongue 

And 

Just repeat the process

Maybe one day it’ll end

You’ll see me

Understand me

Or I’ll suffer til the end 

Til I’m dead in the ground 

I will be no one’s worry.  

You don’t see me

I’m invisible