Just Writing

 I’ve been struggling with self image for a long time.   I get told I’m beautiful or I’m sexy, this or that.  But I always wonder how genuine it is…or is it because something is wanted from me?   

I know he will never read this so I am safe getting it out before it eats my heart and mind.   At the beginning, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.   It was so nice because I could feel how real the want was.  As time has gone by, he doesn’t really touch me.  A hug or a kiss or sometimes he pokes at me which I don’t like half the time.

Or he tells me we will have that time soon and it never comes.  I’m so stupid to get my hopes up for it. Every time it doesn’t happen when he says it will just breaks my heart.  Like why does he say that then let me down?  I never thought he’d let me down in certain ways, but he has.  I’m so angry and hurt.  

I can say I understand the reasoning every time because yes they are valid reasons.  It doesn’t make the hurt any less.   Like why can’t he just hold me for more than 10 minutes or caress my skin or rub my back?  Anything!  I do so much for him and I feel like I am starving for just some romantic, intimate, non adult time touch.  

As I sit here crying as I write this, I feel so damn pathetic and needy and whiny and just gross.  

I wish he’d just hear me and actually understand how I feel.  I try so hard to understand his feelings all the time.  I feel very unheard and really stupid.   

I am so broken.  A broken little doll. 

Noone Tells You

On April 4, 2024, I had a full hysterectomy.  I was given estrogen so I wouldn't go straight into full blown menopause.  I'd still be in perimenopause.  Here it is 2026, I am in full blown menopause.  

People know about the hot flashes, night sweats, moodiness and maybe broken sleep.  Let me tell you what most don't know unless they've gone thru it or know someone who is going thru it.  Brain fog...forgetting why you went in a room or forgot to do something.  Hot flashes that make your whole body a furnace where you can't control the temperature.  Moodiness?  The menopausal rage over the slightest inconvenience or annoyance.  Overstimulation comes very easily and out of nowhere.  Heart palpitations that make you think you're going to die.  The anxiety and panic attacks that come out of nowhere.  The paranoia at times.

Looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself.  Seeing someone you don't know and can't stand the sight of.  With that planted in your head, you start to wonder if that's why your spouse/partner/whomever doesn't really touch you even affectionately without you initiating or something being said or begging.  Then it makes you question how genuine it is when they do it.  Is it real or are they doing it so you'll stop being a pain?  

It's all these changes that turn you into something you don't understand or recognize.  I guess one good thing besides the obvious of no periods, you kind of wake up.  You see all that you tolerated, gave up, missed out on.  It makes you sad and angry at the same time.  Then it becomes "This is my healing.  This my era of being the woman I was/am supposed to be," and you also become unapologetic for starting to be "selfish" and do things for you and be happy in your own ways and not by someone else's standard.

So there is the pros and cons to it.  It is a journey but there will be a light at the end of that tunnel.  God, I pray it is a happy one for me.  Because right now I am struggling with it all and finding myself.