Just Writing

 I’ve been struggling with self image for a long time.   I get told I’m beautiful or I’m sexy, this or that.  But I always wonder how genuine it is…or is it because something is wanted from me?   

I know he will never read this so I am safe getting it out before it eats my heart and mind.   At the beginning, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.   It was so nice because I could feel how real the want was.  As time has gone by, he doesn’t really touch me.  A hug or a kiss or sometimes he pokes at me which I don’t like half the time.

Or he tells me we will have that time soon and it never comes.  I’m so stupid to get my hopes up for it. Every time it doesn’t happen when he says it will just breaks my heart.  Like why does he say that then let me down?  I never thought he’d let me down in certain ways, but he has.  I’m so angry and hurt.  

I can say I understand the reasoning every time because yes they are valid reasons.  It doesn’t make the hurt any less.   Like why can’t he just hold me for more than 10 minutes or caress my skin or rub my back?  Anything!  I do so much for him and I feel like I am starving for just some romantic, intimate, non adult time touch.  

As I sit here crying as I write this, I feel so damn pathetic and needy and whiny and just gross.  

I wish he’d just hear me and actually understand how I feel.  I try so hard to understand his feelings all the time.  I feel very unheard and really stupid.   

I am so broken.  A broken little doll.