Really Angry

 I've been feeling all sorts of feelings lately, but the feeling of anger has topped them all.   I am so angry all the time.  But I am supposed to be the calm, understanding one.  The be there for everyone.  I am supposed to swallow whatever feeling I am having.  I feel like I don't matter and am becoming a shell of a person.

There are people in my life that I have been feeling really disconnected from.  I feel as if every attempt to reconnect, I am pushed away, shrugged off, or told I am being too much.  It makes me feel like they are shaming me indirectly.  

There's one person in my life that I have been feeling really disconnected from.  I have expressed it and other things that have been bothering me.  While I can understand their point of view on things, it makes me feel like they're shaming me and like I'm some needy little psycho.  A pathetic child.  So, I will be forced to be silent and swallow the feelings I am having.  

I always try to be understanding and considerate.  I try to be there and not be a burden to anyone.  I try not to pile my emotions onto people.  I am responsible for those.  But I crave connection, reassurance, love.  

While I know I am loved, I feel so invalidated, so small.  I feel unheard.  It makes me so angry.  I don't know why I'm so surprised.  Men in my life have always in some way made me feel disappointed and like I am asking too much.  And you know what?  Maybe I am.  Maybe I am too much.  But I'm still a person with feelings and needs.  

Here I am keeping the anger pushed down deep so everyone can be comfortable and not brought down by me.