Just Writing

 I’ve been struggling with self image for a long time.   I get told I’m beautiful or I’m sexy, this or that.  But I always wonder how genuine it is…or is it because something is wanted from me?   

I know he will never read this so I am safe getting it out before it eats my heart and mind.   At the beginning, he couldn’t keep his hands off me.   It was so nice because I could feel how real the want was.  As time has gone by, he doesn’t really touch me.  A hug or a kiss or sometimes he pokes at me which I don’t like half the time.

Or he tells me we will have that time soon and it never comes.  I’m so stupid to get my hopes up for it. Every time it doesn’t happen when he says it will just breaks my heart.  Like why does he say that then let me down?  I never thought he’d let me down in certain ways, but he has.  I’m so angry and hurt.  

I can say I understand the reasoning every time because yes they are valid reasons.  It doesn’t make the hurt any less.   Like why can’t he just hold me for more than 10 minutes or caress my skin or rub my back?  Anything!  I do so much for him and I feel like I am starving for just some romantic, intimate, non adult time touch.  

As I sit here crying as I write this, I feel so damn pathetic and needy and whiny and just gross.  

I wish he’d just hear me and actually understand how I feel.  I try so hard to understand his feelings all the time.  I feel very unheard and really stupid.   

I am so broken.  A broken little doll. 

Noone Tells You

On April 4, 2024, I had a full hysterectomy.  I was given estrogen so I wouldn't go straight into full blown menopause.  I'd still be in perimenopause.  Here it is 2026, I am in full blown menopause.  

People know about the hot flashes, night sweats, moodiness and maybe broken sleep.  Let me tell you what most don't know unless they've gone thru it or know someone who is going thru it.  Brain fog...forgetting why you went in a room or forgot to do something.  Hot flashes that make your whole body a furnace where you can't control the temperature.  Moodiness?  The menopausal rage over the slightest inconvenience or annoyance.  Overstimulation comes very easily and out of nowhere.  Heart palpitations that make you think you're going to die.  The anxiety and panic attacks that come out of nowhere.  The paranoia at times.

Looking in the mirror and not recognizing yourself.  Seeing someone you don't know and can't stand the sight of.  With that planted in your head, you start to wonder if that's why your spouse/partner/whomever doesn't really touch you even affectionately without you initiating or something being said or begging.  Then it makes you question how genuine it is when they do it.  Is it real or are they doing it so you'll stop being a pain?  

It's all these changes that turn you into something you don't understand or recognize.  I guess one good thing besides the obvious of no periods, you kind of wake up.  You see all that you tolerated, gave up, missed out on.  It makes you sad and angry at the same time.  Then it becomes "This is my healing.  This my era of being the woman I was/am supposed to be," and you also become unapologetic for starting to be "selfish" and do things for you and be happy in your own ways and not by someone else's standard.

So there is the pros and cons to it.  It is a journey but there will be a light at the end of that tunnel.  God, I pray it is a happy one for me.  Because right now I am struggling with it all and finding myself.

Rise from the Ashes

 Defeated

Down to my knees I go

I am cast into flames

They lick at my flesh 

Clothes burn away

But me,

No, I do not burn.

I rise up from the flames.

Shining brighter than before

Standing tall

Not bending nor breaking

Never back down

I am a warrior.

I will always rise up.

Go ahead 

Hit me hard

I’m all in

I’ll show you what I’m made of

I’m made for this

I will never back down

Lonely

 I feel…I am lonely

Even next to you, 

You are far away.

Something is different.

I feel it when you touch me…When you don’t touch me.

You don’t kiss me the way you use to, the way we use to.

You pull                AWAY

Or hasten it so it’s done.

I feel so rejected, so vile, so alone.

I cry when I’m completely by myself.

I stare in the mirror

Looking myself over inch by inch

Finding every imperfection

Making myself sick

Cursing myself for it all

But I dare not say anything

I stay silent

I push my needs, my desire, my want

They are all pushed down into the depths

Shadows swallow them whole

So there I sit

Being loving

Being understanding

Being patient 

Smiling through it all

Hating myself for feeling the way I do 

Every touch

Teasing or tame

Makes me ache

I am lonely

But here I remain

Tragedy

 Today is a tragic day.   A fire started in Kiara’s room.   We lost Yoda, Mamas, Peekaboo, Giggles, Fatty and Kaiya.   We can’t find Star.   Socks, Raven and Sneezles are safe.   Kiara and I had to go to the hospital for smoke inhalation.   Mine was more severe than her’s.   I am thankful that my mom came when I called and that she took us in.   It is sadness all around.   I blame myself for not being able to put the fire out or save any of my other babies.  I hope they forgive me for it.   

https://www.tiktok.com/t/ZT2hXsvrb/ 

Beyond

 I am beyond tired of my life.   Years and years of serving and grinding for my family til I feel like there is nothing left of me.   I gave and gave and tried and tried.   I can’t anymore.  I’ve  myself all to make everyone else happy.  Every day there’s the mental list of do’s and dont’s.   The pressure of keeping the peace and walking on eggshells.   It is a fucking chore.  I’m tired of pretending that I’m okay.  I don’t want this life.   This is not what I pictured life would be like.   I didn’t want this for my kids.   I am so unhappy.  I want to be happy.  I want a break.  I don’t want to work 2 jobs or 7 days a week to get by.   I hate my life right now.   I’m really really struggling.  I feel like I’m drowning.  But I stany afloat for my kids.  They are my reason for being, my reason to get up and tne morning.  They keep me sane and on this earth.   They are my strength.   I just wish I was better for them.  I am single mother/parent even though I am married.   I wish he cared but he doesn’t.  It’s all blamed on me.   Maybe the wrongs I did him made me deserve this.  But enough is enough.  My penance is done.   

I have to be okay for my kids.  They need me.  I need them 

My Heaven

 I lie awake at night

I watch him sleep

Pondering what dreams he is dreaming 

And are they dreams of me

I reach over and touch him

Tracing the ink on his arms

Wondering if he feels me do so

Sometimes I touch his face

Feeling how soft his skin is

I lay awake at night 

And wonder how

How could he have chosen me

Out of all the people in this world 

I lay awake at night

Watching him as he sleeps

Wondering if he knows 

Just how much I love him 

Not Enough

You really hurt my feelings tonight 

Made me feel like I wasn’t smart enough 

AND

Always letting you down.

I know I’m not good enough.

I never have been for anyone.

Everyone always pointing out flaws.

Everyone always saying where and how I fall short.

It seems like there’s more negative than positive about me.

Ergo, the obvious, 

I AM NOT GOOD ENOUGH

I will always fall short.

I AM NOT WORTH LOVING

I am just a toy, a hole

I AM NOTHING.

I pray sleep comes to me.

A moment of peace where I do not think or feel.

For I am hurting,

BUT

I know it’ll always pale in comparison.

My armor is heavy and cracked.

My body aches.

My soul cries.

My heart breaks.

I think I’ll sit on the shelf Amongst other toys and things.

I shall rest awhile

AND

See what tomorrow brings. 

Confessions

A woman’s heart holds many secrets or so I’m told.  Mine does.  I’ve kept way too many over my lifetime and some days I find myself saying them aloud when I’m alone.  I don’t know if I do it to relieve some of the weight upon my heart.  Some of them are small and meaningless.   Some of them are big and heavy and could probably devastate if they were revealed.  But what if they were revealed vaguely so no one knew who the confession was referring to exactly?  Would that make the big ones less devastating?  Or would they make it twice as worse because you’re left wondering who was it directed towards?  So, do the secrets stay hidden in my heart til I carry them to the grave…or…do I reveal them vaguely so no one knows exactly who it’s about.  I guess it’s just something to ponder.   Just random thoughts running thru my head.

Beaten

Standing in the middle

Who will get me first?

I can’t anticipate this one.

I can’t defend myself anymore.

My armor is shattered

Gone

I am exposed

One hit

And I’m down

Another hit

I fall back

I lay there as taking their blows

I can’t see

I can’t breathe 

My ears are ringing

I am bleeding

Crying

Pleading for mercy

It’s quiet now

But for how long?

Round 2 will be coming soon

At a Loss

*Language and Trigger warning*

I stand there with a shovel looking down at the dirt

“Start digging!”

He pushes me forward

I start digging

I hear them talking

Laughing at me

I keep digging 

The sweat starts to form on my brow

It’s hot

I stop for a moment

“I said dig, bitch”

One of them kicks the back of my knee

I drop the shovel

I fall to my knees

My hands catch me

“Get up!”

I push myself back up

Grab the shovel

Keep digging

Don’t make them mad.

“Turn around”

I turn to face them

Shovel in hand 

Ready to defend myself

It’s too easy 

The shovel ripped away from me

One of them rips part of my dress away

Bare feet in the soil

I cover myself

“Pathetic.”

“Worthless.”

“You are nothing.”

One of them shoves me

I land on my back

Knocking the wind out of me

I lay there staring up at them

They’re laughing at me

I struggle to sit up

I can’t climb out 

I lie back down 

This is where I’m left 

This is where I’ll stay 

Slipping

I’m numb

So numb that my vision blurs

I can’t cry

But tears are streaming down my face

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

All the past abuse has me so damaged

I keep messing up in my relationship

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I see the pain I cause

No matter what I do

I can’t seem to fix it

I’m a coward 

I’m worthless

Not worth the space I take up

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m not worth being with

I’m not deserving of love

I hate myself

I hate what I am

I try to change 

But

Seems as if I’m ever failing

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m slipping

Losing my grip

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

What I Need

*Trigger Warning*

I can hear it. I can hear it screaming deep within. I feel it. I feel it clawing at my insides, trying to surface. I feel my skin itching and crawling. Something in me aching. Something in me needing. The usual relief doesn’t help. The candle wax dripping and running over my skin doesn’t quiet it. Doesn’t seem to even scathe it. I know what I need. I think it’ll quiet it. I need you dominating me, putting me in my place. Make me quit thinking. Shut my mind off. Your hand wrapped around my throat just right sending me into that euphoric place where I seem to float. There’s just you and me there. I need you to hold me in place as it crawls back within and silences once again. When it quiets, your hand stays there before slowly easing up to bring me back from the happy place. When you let go, I’ll be back. Your eyes still locked in a stare with mine. Your eyes and voice coaxing me back to reality. Breathing is now easier. Thinking is now easier. All of it will seem easier until the next time it decides to creep back out. Then the whole process will begin again. My euphoric place where all I see is you and feel you holding me still. It’ll be a sweet release.

Being A Mom

**Copied from a post I saw**

There was a mom who was called a “nag,”⁣⁣⁣

by her partner,⁣⁣⁣

her children,⁣⁣⁣

and she swears she once saw the dog roll his eyes when she was complaining about dog hair on the couch. ⁣⁣⁣

⁣

And the truth is,⁣⁣⁣

it would be nice if someone thought about—everyone’s schedules,⁣⁣⁣

making doctor’s appointments,⁣⁣⁣

packing lunches and snacks,⁣⁣⁣

buying gifts for birthdays,⁣⁣⁣

keeping track of what groceries are running low,⁣⁣⁣

everyone’s mental well-being,⁣⁣⁣

vacuuming the crumbs off the kitchen floor—⁣⁣⁣

and it didn’t all fall on her.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

⁣

It would be nice if she didn’t have to carry the whole family,⁣⁣⁣

and they could carry some of their own weight without her reminding them ten times.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣

But, if she doesn’t do it herself or delegate,⁣⁣⁣

it won’t get done.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣

And when they finally make the bed or clean up their room,⁣⁣⁣

it needs to be congratulated or applauded,⁣⁣⁣

or they won’t do it again.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

While for her,⁣⁣⁣

it’s expected,⁣⁣⁣

and hardly noticed.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

And she’s tired of telling everyone what to do,⁣⁣⁣

of praying her partner has the same urgency and level of care she has when she asks him to perform a task,⁣⁣⁣

of her partner agreeing to do XYZ to “help her out” when it’s their house, too,⁣⁣⁣

of telling everyone to do all the things they should instinctively do,⁣⁣⁣

and being fed up when one of her children or her partner calls her a “nag.”⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

Because she doesn’t want to micromanage,⁣⁣⁣

she just wants to get everything done for the people she loves most:⁣⁣⁣

𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲.⁣

❤

📸: @this_mama_doodles

✍️: @Livingfull

Invisible

You say you see me

BUT

You don’t!

You see what you want to see in me.

The dread I feel when I wake up

Wanting to cry when the alarm goes off

The strength it takes for me to get out of bed 

Having to put on the heavy dented armor before starting my day

Taking deep breaths and bracing myself 

Anticipating, wondering

Wishing for one morning off and being allowed to rest

Knowing things will get done 

And it not rest solely on my shoulders 

I am not Atlas yet

I do as he does

I soldier on

Every day is routine

MUNDANE

I’m tired

I’m bored

I’m depressed

Faking the smile at work

Sometimes at home

Sometimes just anywhere

Hating myself because I can’t make it real

Crying in the car or bathroom

Your words tear thru me 

Wound me down to my soul

Make me hate myself so much more 

Make me cry

Sometimes makes me want to die

I fight back 

To protect myself

Wanting you hear my side

You don’t hear me

You don’t see me

It’s always me

Always apologizing

Always trying

Always being told nothing I do is right

Can’t give the right replies

Can’t touch you the right way

Never making an effort but I do

I walk away

Broken

Defeated

Hating me

Hating you

Hating myself for hating you

I take off my armor 

Only for a moment

I stare into the mirror

I don’t know whose staring back at me

I don’t know her

She’s ugly

Bruised 

Bleeding

Demeaning words written all over her skin 

She’s crying

There’s someone else there standing behind her

Making more words appear

Making her cry more

Carving into her

I can’t save her

No one can

The armor goes back on

Covering up the evidence

It’s time for round 2

Brace yourself

Here it goes 

Bedtime comes

Sleep is right there 

I am so tired

Even as I sleep, 

Nightmares and never fully resting

I am so tired 

My pain is invisible

Don’t say you see me

You don’t! 

If you did, 

You’d see how hard every day is 

You’d see how much I struggle 

You’d see that I am trying

You’d decide to give me a break

A day off to rest 

I can suggest it

You’ll laugh at me

Tell me how selfish I’m being

My needs aren’t important

It’s better to hold my tongue 

And 

Just repeat the process

Maybe one day it’ll end

You’ll see me

Understand me

Or I’ll suffer til the end 

Til I’m dead in the ground 

I will be no one’s worry.  

You don’t see me

I’m invisible 

Done

I wave my white flag

See it waft in the wind

Hear me scream

“MERCY!”

For I am done.

I lower my sword

Drop it to the ground 

Metal clanging against the dirt and rocks

I strip off my armor.

Dented and chipping away.

Some pieces broken.

Heavy thud as it falls to the ground. 

My body is beaten

Bruised, aching

Bleeding

My mind is shattered 

Thinking thoughts it should not

Red

Open wounds

My wings are torn

Shredded

I close my eyes and 

SCREAM

Into the night.

I cry

I sob

No one can hear me

No one will care

I am no longer standing

Down on my knees

Crying 

Clutching the ground beneath me

I lay myself down

In the dirt

Closing my eyes 

Hoping for it all to end

Covering my ears 

To block it all out 

Just let it stop 

Just for one minute 

Give me peace

Someone care about me

For once

I’ve drowned

I’ve given up 

Given in

I’m dying

Someone pick me up

Someone nurse and heal my wounds

Before it’s too late

But I am forced back up

I cry to let me rest

Let me surrender just for a day

I cry as the armor goes back on

They strap my sword in hand

My legs are weak as they make me stand

Crying, I stand ready to fight 

Wishing for the blow to end it all

Round 2

https://youtu.be/bVUgyOGevh0

Awaken

A voice has called to me.

Woken me from my sleep.

I have awakened.

But

The mortality has pulled me down.

The human skin traps my soul.

Darkness all over

Except

The tiny bit of light that lets me see into the world.

A new time.

A new place.

A new body.

Different rules apply.

Why do you call me?

Why did you wake me to this?

Can you rescue me?

Will you rescue me?

I sit here staring into the nothingness

Searching for your light.

Light my way to salvation, my love.

Take my hand

And

Free me from the bindings of my skin.

Let me soar into the clouds

And

Take their healing in.

Battleground

 Our relationship has been a roller coaster

Up

    And

            Down

Even round and round.

However

Some days…

It is a battleground.

Words and tears are used as weapons 

Hearts and minds are our shields.

Both seem to be c r a c k i n g

Maybe shattered 

but 

Glued back together again.

Words seem to be sharper 

Tears look like blood when they fall

Both covered in slashes and cuts

All we do is take a breather

Sleep and hope for better days

Never knowing what the day will bring.

Dreading to step foot out of bed.  

Words are getting sharper

Harsher

Feelings be damned

Love no longer keeping them at bay.

What will today be?

Peaceful

Roller coaster 

Battleground?

https://youtu.be/is08DnxiE5Q

  

Lost

Alice once said, “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” 

She had it right.   We’re all different people day to day.   Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some people who stagnate.   

I’m starting to wonder and become afraid that what if I’m one of those people?   I’m not who I use to be.  That is very true.  Every day I try to be better than I was the day before.  But it seems like I never succeed.   I’m lost.   My compass is spinning and will not point to the right path that will lead me to who I am to become.  

I haven’t felt this lost in a long time.  I use to know exactly who I was, who I wanted to become.  Now, I’m lost and afraid.   I see things creeping into my mind from the shadows that I thought were long gone.   I am fighting my demons every day, but I am losing ground.  My sword is too heavy.

I need help.  I’m afraid.  I’m so afraid.  Please help me.  I am crying out to God to help me carry my sword.

Please.  I don’t want to be lost.   

Falling

I can feel my grip slowly loosening.

No matter how tightly I try to hold on,

My grip continues to slip.

I can see them staring down at me

Wondering when I’ll finally fall.

I can hear them whispering

“Pathetic.”

“Weak”

“I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

Each word strikes my heart like an arrow.

It makes my grip loosen more.

I take their every hit.

I take in their every word.

It hurt so much.

There is darkness beneath me.

I can hear screaming, crying

Blood is running down my arms

The edge cutting into my fingers

It hurts. 

It’s getting really slick

Hard to hold on.

No one will catch me. 

My fingers are starting to slip

I can’t hold on.

I’m going to fall.

No one will catch me.

No one will save me.