Confessions

A woman’s heart holds many secrets or so I’m told.  Mine does.  I’ve kept way too many over my lifetime and some days I find myself saying them aloud when I’m alone.  I don’t know if I do it to relieve some of the weight upon my heart.  Some of them are small and meaningless.   Some of them are big and heavy and could probably devastate if they were revealed.  But what if they were revealed vaguely so no one knew who the confession was referring to exactly?  Would that make the big ones less devastating?  Or would they make it twice as worse because you’re left wondering who was it directed towards?  So, do the secrets stay hidden in my heart til I carry them to the grave…or…do I reveal them vaguely so no one knows exactly who it’s about.  I guess it’s just something to ponder.   Just random thoughts running thru my head.

Beaten

Standing in the middle

Who will get me first?

I can’t anticipate this one.

I can’t defend myself anymore.

My armor is shattered

Gone

I am exposed

One hit

And I’m down

Another hit

I fall back

I lay there as taking their blows

I can’t see

I can’t breathe 

My ears are ringing

I am bleeding

Crying

Pleading for mercy

It’s quiet now

But for how long?

Round 2 will be coming soon

At a Loss

*Language and Trigger warning*

I stand there with a shovel looking down at the dirt

“Start digging!”

He pushes me forward

I start digging

I hear them talking

Laughing at me

I keep digging 

The sweat starts to form on my brow

It’s hot

I stop for a moment

“I said dig, bitch”

One of them kicks the back of my knee

I drop the shovel

I fall to my knees

My hands catch me

“Get up!”

I push myself back up

Grab the shovel

Keep digging

Don’t make them mad.

“Turn around”

I turn to face them

Shovel in hand 

Ready to defend myself

It’s too easy 

The shovel ripped away from me

One of them rips part of my dress away

Bare feet in the soil

I cover myself

“Pathetic.”

“Worthless.”

“You are nothing.”

One of them shoves me

I land on my back

Knocking the wind out of me

I lay there staring up at them

They’re laughing at me

I struggle to sit up

I can’t climb out 

I lie back down 

This is where I’m left 

This is where I’ll stay 

Slipping

I’m numb

So numb that my vision blurs

I can’t cry

But tears are streaming down my face

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

All the past abuse has me so damaged

I keep messing up in my relationship

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I see the pain I cause

No matter what I do

I can’t seem to fix it

I’m a coward 

I’m worthless

Not worth the space I take up

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m not worth being with

I’m not deserving of love

I hate myself

I hate what I am

I try to change 

But

Seems as if I’m ever failing

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

I’m slipping

Losing my grip

Breathe in

As the blade pushes against my skin

Breathe out as it slides across my skin

What I Need

*Trigger Warning*

I can hear it. I can hear it screaming deep within. I feel it. I feel it clawing at my insides, trying to surface. I feel my skin itching and crawling. Something in me aching. Something in me needing. The usual relief doesn’t help. The candle wax dripping and running over my skin doesn’t quiet it. Doesn’t seem to even scathe it. I know what I need. I think it’ll quiet it. I need you dominating me, putting me in my place. Make me quit thinking. Shut my mind off. Your hand wrapped around my throat just right sending me into that euphoric place where I seem to float. There’s just you and me there. I need you to hold me in place as it crawls back within and silences once again. When it quiets, your hand stays there before slowly easing up to bring me back from the happy place. When you let go, I’ll be back. Your eyes still locked in a stare with mine. Your eyes and voice coaxing me back to reality. Breathing is now easier. Thinking is now easier. All of it will seem easier until the next time it decides to creep back out. Then the whole process will begin again. My euphoric place where all I see is you and feel you holding me still. It’ll be a sweet release.

Being A Mom

**Copied from a post I saw**

There was a mom who was called a “nag,”⁣⁣⁣

by her partner,⁣⁣⁣

her children,⁣⁣⁣

and she swears she once saw the dog roll his eyes when she was complaining about dog hair on the couch. ⁣⁣⁣

⁣

And the truth is,⁣⁣⁣

it would be nice if someone thought about—everyone’s schedules,⁣⁣⁣

making doctor’s appointments,⁣⁣⁣

packing lunches and snacks,⁣⁣⁣

buying gifts for birthdays,⁣⁣⁣

keeping track of what groceries are running low,⁣⁣⁣

everyone’s mental well-being,⁣⁣⁣

vacuuming the crumbs off the kitchen floor—⁣⁣⁣

and it didn’t all fall on her.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

⁣

It would be nice if she didn’t have to carry the whole family,⁣⁣⁣

and they could carry some of their own weight without her reminding them ten times.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣

But, if she doesn’t do it herself or delegate,⁣⁣⁣

it won’t get done.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣

And when they finally make the bed or clean up their room,⁣⁣⁣

it needs to be congratulated or applauded,⁣⁣⁣

or they won’t do it again.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

While for her,⁣⁣⁣

it’s expected,⁣⁣⁣

and hardly noticed.⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

And she’s tired of telling everyone what to do,⁣⁣⁣

of praying her partner has the same urgency and level of care she has when she asks him to perform a task,⁣⁣⁣

of her partner agreeing to do XYZ to “help her out” when it’s their house, too,⁣⁣⁣

of telling everyone to do all the things they should instinctively do,⁣⁣⁣

and being fed up when one of her children or her partner calls her a “nag.”⁣⁣⁣

⁣⁣⁣

Because she doesn’t want to micromanage,⁣⁣⁣

she just wants to get everything done for the people she loves most:⁣⁣⁣

𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐟𝐚𝐦𝐢𝐥𝐲.⁣

❤

📸: @this_mama_doodles

✍️: @Livingfull

Invisible

You say you see me

BUT

You don’t!

You see what you want to see in me.

The dread I feel when I wake up

Wanting to cry when the alarm goes off

The strength it takes for me to get out of bed 

Having to put on the heavy dented armor before starting my day

Taking deep breaths and bracing myself 

Anticipating, wondering

Wishing for one morning off and being allowed to rest

Knowing things will get done 

And it not rest solely on my shoulders 

I am not Atlas yet

I do as he does

I soldier on

Every day is routine

MUNDANE

I’m tired

I’m bored

I’m depressed

Faking the smile at work

Sometimes at home

Sometimes just anywhere

Hating myself because I can’t make it real

Crying in the car or bathroom

Your words tear thru me 

Wound me down to my soul

Make me hate myself so much more 

Make me cry

Sometimes makes me want to die

I fight back 

To protect myself

Wanting you hear my side

You don’t hear me

You don’t see me

It’s always me

Always apologizing

Always trying

Always being told nothing I do is right

Can’t give the right replies

Can’t touch you the right way

Never making an effort but I do

I walk away

Broken

Defeated

Hating me

Hating you

Hating myself for hating you

I take off my armor 

Only for a moment

I stare into the mirror

I don’t know whose staring back at me

I don’t know her

She’s ugly

Bruised 

Bleeding

Demeaning words written all over her skin 

She’s crying

There’s someone else there standing behind her

Making more words appear

Making her cry more

Carving into her

I can’t save her

No one can

The armor goes back on

Covering up the evidence

It’s time for round 2

Brace yourself

Here it goes 

Bedtime comes

Sleep is right there 

I am so tired

Even as I sleep, 

Nightmares and never fully resting

I am so tired 

My pain is invisible

Don’t say you see me

You don’t! 

If you did, 

You’d see how hard every day is 

You’d see how much I struggle 

You’d see that I am trying

You’d decide to give me a break

A day off to rest 

I can suggest it

You’ll laugh at me

Tell me how selfish I’m being

My needs aren’t important

It’s better to hold my tongue 

And 

Just repeat the process

Maybe one day it’ll end

You’ll see me

Understand me

Or I’ll suffer til the end 

Til I’m dead in the ground 

I will be no one’s worry.  

You don’t see me

I’m invisible