Lost

Alice once said, “I can’t go back to yesterday because I was a different person then.” 

She had it right.   We’re all different people day to day.   Now, don’t get me wrong, there are some people who stagnate.   

I’m starting to wonder and become afraid that what if I’m one of those people?   I’m not who I use to be.  That is very true.  Every day I try to be better than I was the day before.  But it seems like I never succeed.   I’m lost.   My compass is spinning and will not point to the right path that will lead me to who I am to become.  

I haven’t felt this lost in a long time.  I use to know exactly who I was, who I wanted to become.  Now, I’m lost and afraid.   I see things creeping into my mind from the shadows that I thought were long gone.   I am fighting my demons every day, but I am losing ground.  My sword is too heavy.

I need help.  I’m afraid.  I’m so afraid.  Please help me.  I am crying out to God to help me carry my sword.

Please.  I don’t want to be lost.   

Falling

I can feel my grip slowly loosening.

No matter how tightly I try to hold on,

My grip continues to slip.

I can see them staring down at me

Wondering when I’ll finally fall.

I can hear them whispering

“Pathetic.”

“Weak”

“I don’t know what I ever saw in you.”

Each word strikes my heart like an arrow.

It makes my grip loosen more.

I take their every hit.

I take in their every word.

It hurt so much.

There is darkness beneath me.

I can hear screaming, crying

Blood is running down my arms

The edge cutting into my fingers

It hurts. 

It’s getting really slick

Hard to hold on.

No one will catch me. 

My fingers are starting to slip

I can’t hold on.

I’m going to fall.

No one will catch me.

No one will save me.

Fading

Every woman wants to be someone’s everything.

I do.

I want him.

I love him.

I want to be his Heaven.

I want to be his Elysian Fields.

I want to be his Valhalla.

I worry I am not.

Let’s face it!

I am not those. 

I am his Hell.

His Hades.

His Niflheim.

I fear my light is fading.

I fear the darkness may be consuming.

I am fading. 

Quotes

“I shall pass through this world but once. Any good therefore that I can do or any kindness that I can show to any human being, let me do it now. Let me not defer or neglect it, for I shall not pass this way again.”
“When you’re out there staring at nothing, faith is the only thing that gets you thru.”
“If you gaze long enough into the abyss, the abyss will begin to gaze back.”
“In the garden of memories and the palace of dreams is where we will always meet.”
“If you think this has a happy ending then you haven't been paying attention.”

“Sometimes You Have To Lose Yourself To Find Yourself.”

“Chaos is an angel that fell in love with a demon.”

 “Pain. Lately, I’ve Become Very Well Acquainted With It. The Type That Comes When You’ve Been Hurt Repeatedly By The Same Person. Only In Those Rare Moments, When He Pulls Me To His Chest And Makes Promises He Never Seems Able To Keep, Does The Pain Disappear.”
“It hurts sometimes more than we can bear. If we could live without passion, maybe we'd know some kind of peace... but we would be hollow: empty rooms, shuttered and dank... Without passion... we'd be truly dead.”
“Passion is the source of our finest moments: the joy of love, the clarity of hatred, and the ecstasy of grief.”
“Passion... It lies in all of us... sleeping, waiting. And though unwanted, unbidden, it will stir... open its jaws... and howl.”
“Anyone can achieve their fullest potential, who we are might be predetermined but the path we follow is always of our own choosing. We should never allow our fears or the expectations of others to set the frontiers of our destiny. Your destiny can't be changed but, it can be challenged.”

The Edge of Burn Out

I’m always so tired.   I sleep but when I wake, it feels like I haven’t slept at all.  I feel myself growing angry and resentful.  I feel myself growing depressed more and more each day.  But each day, I put on a mask so no one knows how I truly feel. 

My profession and home life seemed to have merged so I can never fully shut down or turn it off.   Taking care of everyone 24/7.   I want to scream, “Someone take care of me for a change.” But I feel so selfish for thinking and/or wanting that.  

I want to be left alone even if for a few hours.   Free to do anything I want and no one bother me.   Yes I sleep, but honestly I do not count that as free time.   That is so I don’t get sick from exhaustion.   

House is always a mess no matter what I do.  No one living here will fully help me deal with it and clean it.   All make excuses or just abandon me altogether.   

And they wonder why I’m so angry or lack interest in anything.   I’m getting to the point where I don’t like being touched that often.   Someone always on me, touching me, pulling at me.  It’s driving me insane.  I can’t even take a shower or bath uninterrupted.   I use to love soaking in a nice hot bath.  Now it’s like, why bother?   

I’m forgetting to bathe, forgetting to eat.   Forgetting things just said to me or said to me earlier that day or week.  

I’m burning out.  I don’t know how to fix it.  I don’t know how to save myself from it.  I don’t know how relight my flame.   I’m on the edge of burn out.  

So Tired

Every day is a battle.  I battle myself to get out of bed.  I dread getting out of bed because of what the day might hold.

I walk on eggshells trying to keep everyone happy.   Trying to be perfect.  Trying not to mess up.  Inside I’m screaming…some days wishing I would die, but my kids need me.  I can’t do to them what my dad did to us.  

But every day, some flaw is found or made up so that I can be yelled at and belittled.  I fight back but it falls on deaf ears.  I’m always crying, always apologizing.  I feel an inch tall.  Worthless.  Unloved.  On a knife’s edge.

Then every night, it’s an apology.   It’s begging and telling me I’m needed and loved.  Like an idiot, I believe it each time.   

I’m so beaten down.  My strength is dwindling.   I close my eyes to restless sleep.  The days and fights replaying in my head.  And I know no matter what I say or do, it won’t change.  

My health is awful.  I’m depressed even though I try to put on a happy face.  I can see the weariness and sickness in my reflection.  I feel it.  I’m always tense so I always ache.  

I’m scared.  I’m tired.  I’m beyond sad that I can’t even think of the word for it.   I fight and fight.  My armor is heavy.   My weapons dulled from use.  My spirit nearly broke.  The flame that fuels me barely flickering. 

I’ll be nothing but a puppet soon.  Maybe then I’ll be perfect enough for everyone.  I’ll be quiet. I can’t/won’t fight back.  They can do with me as they wish.   No more free will.  No more fight left in me.   

Kiara

When I was pregnant with my daughter, something always very magical about it.  I dreamt of her before she was born.  She even came to me in a dream and told me what I would name her.  She told me stories of ancient times past.  She is my magical child, my sweet little Pixie.

 I feel you

I feel you inside my tummy

Living and growing

Giving me hell every morning 

or 

When I eat

I feel you

My precious Kiara Rose

Mommy feels you

Power radiates from you

Mommy and daddy's alike

My precious angel

You are my light

My sweet Kiara

You will live

You are protected

Mommy and daddy love you